Parents Zone

Bullying: What is it? What can I do?

By Amanda Gray

In the best case scenario, bullying will leave a shadow in a person’s life - a shadow of doubt.  It will drift over every new social setting.  It may make them ask, “Am I good enough?  Will they like me?  Will I belong?”

In the worse case scenario, bullying is fatal.

However, conflicts are an essential part of growing up.  If we help our children to deal with conflicts by themselves, we will be teaching them coping skills.  These skills will then help them to deal appropriately with conflicts in their adult relationships.

So what is bullying?

The Commonwealth Disability Standards for Education 2005  define harassment as an action “that is reasonably likely, in all the circumstances, to humiliate, offend, intimidate or distress the person” (p22).  

The NSW Department of Education Anti-Bullying Plan for Schools defines bullying as the “intentional, repeated behaviour by an individual or group of individuals that causes distress, hurt or undue pressure” and involves “abuse of power.”  (p5,6).

It is important to be clear on our definition of bullying so we can be measured in our response to what is happening.  It will help us avoid a zero tolerance approach to any childhood bickering and conflicts. 

Yes, we have to protect our children.  But we also want them to be resilient.

So what’s the difference between conflict and bullying? And when do we step in?

People who are experts in this field can’t come up with a definitive answer to these questions – but considering two things will help us make the decision.

1. The effect the behaviour is having on children.
2. The motive or function, duration and intensity of the behaviour.

So conflict may be where two children clash, argue, maybe even call names … it may be upsetting, but it does not cause fear and is probably motivated by personality differences rather than the desire to intimidate. 

However, if this clash turns into a constant, one-sided harassment where one child begins to do things that make another feel unsafe – then it is bullying. 

The actual behaviour may be similar – name calling, pushing, shoving – but the intensity of the behaviour may be different.  The name calling may be more threatening and occur more often.  It may be more secretive so the targeted child cannot be protected by friends or adults.  Or it could become “gang-like”, where a group of students confront the targeted child.

Conflicts on the internet or through mobile phones can quickly escalate to cyber-bullying because mobiles and social networking pages are usually used in isolation.  A child is more vulnerable, and a bully can be more secretive, in cyberspace.  The bully can hide their identity, and the target may not be able to respond, or may not have the opportunity to respond before an image or rumour has been widely spread.  This creates a significant power imbalance.

In real life, many cases of conflict can be prevented from becoming bullying through children’s capacity for empathy and “restorative shame” in the face of peer pressure.  That is, their capacity to immediately see from others’ reactions that they have gone too far and need to back off.  This is absent from cyber-interactions.

Another reason why cyber-bullying is so pervasive is that once an image, text or video is in cyberspace it can be hard to control.  So even if the child posting the item may regret or not intend harm, they often cannot control the distribution or the impact it is having until it is too late.  Information in cyberspace can be as difficult to control as a runaway train.  There are brakes, but if applied too late they will be ineffective.

Thus empathy and restorative shame cannot work in the same way in cyberspace as it does in face to face relationships.

This may also lead to children, who in the “real” world might have backed off or even helped put pressure on the potential bully to stop their behaviour, to, in cyberspace, actually become actively involved in passing on the hurtful message.  This can lead to an unintentional “gang-like” bullying effect.

Yes, kids will be kids – but we can’t leave it at that.  Children need to be taught to act respectfully and thoughtfully, whether online or in the playground.

Tips for helping children be resilient:
1. Start early – don’t wait until bullying occurs to teach your child what to do.
2. Don’t jump in too quickly to “solve” your child’s social problems
3. Teach them a series of steps to follow if they feel they are being bullied
4. Encourage them to get their friends and/or siblings to back them up.
5. Listen, talk and support them as they deal with the issue
6. Increase adult supervision with the help of school staff, extended family and friends. 
7. Step in when your child is showing signs of acute anxiety such as not eating, complaining of stomach aches and refusing to go to school.

Tips for helping children empathise
1. Celebrate diversity – watch the Paralympics as well as the Olympics, learn a second language, watch movies that feature different cultures and abilities, talk openly about differences without judgement or prejudice.
2. Help them stop and ask the following questions before they act:
a. If I do this, how will it affect the other person?
b. Would I want someone to do this to me?

You might also want to read:
Will my child be bullied? Things to consider when your child moves to high school
Avoiding a culture of bullying
Reporting bullying: How to do it in a way that minimises the chance of backlash on your child and maximises the chance of action
Self-esteem, problem-solving and resilience
Responding to bullying: Support or Expulsion?
Responding to bullying: Counselling or punishment? …part 2
Focus on the heart of the matter: Radio interview
A conversation with a parent about bullying
Laws about bullying

Bio
Amanda Gray is a special education teacher now working as a tutor/lecturer at University.  She is developing a series called Learn to be Buddies.  This series has two goals:
1. To help children learn important social and emotional life skills through a series of children’s books, games and songs.  The first book is called Dave is Brave and focuses on the issue of bullying.
2. To help parents and teachers better understand and support children who are experiencing social, emotional and behavioural difficulties through her blog and articles distributed to Learn to be Buddies’ online newsletter subscribers.

Find out more or subscribe at http://www.learn2bebuddies.com.au